Pool Lounger... oh, the life!

Aftershock...

There was an earthquake here today. Yep, here in Philly.

Well, it was actually in Virginia, but it reached all the way up the East Coast. It didn't even phase me at first-- honestly, I didn't even know what it was at first, because who expects to experience an earthquake in Philadelphia?! Honestly!

But then it sank in what had happened, and the television wouldn't work right away, so I can't see what's going on in the city, and the number at the daycare is busy, because the majority of the phones are working in the city-- too many calls at once or something (sound familiar?), and all I want to know is, IS MY BABY OKAY??? And this small voice in my head is saying, "yes, of course he's fine, it wasn't that bad", but every other ounce of me has to be absolutely sure.

And I am shaking... from my insides to my outsides, almost like I have been on a trampoline or a dock for hours, and I can't make the movement stop.

Finally I get through to the daycare (it's been 20 minutes of trying and trying), and the woman on the other end reassures me, "Yes. All of the children are just fine here, everything is okay".

I thank her.

I hang up.

And the tears fall from my eyes out of nowhere and I realize I must have been holding my breath because I breathe this deep, long breath, and the tears are still coming... he is okay, which means, I am okay.

Joshua Zion, my Heart.

Minutes & a Day

It's been more than a year since I last wrote. Kind of pathetic. I could prattle on about how it is because life is so busy, or I was at a loss for words and all that kind of thing. But I'd rather keep it real. While those things are both true-- life has been insanely busy, and sometimes words just wouldn't come-- I also just need to admit it... writing about what was going on in life would be admitting how hard this last year was. Being real? Outside of Joshua, and some other high-lights, when I look back at the 29th year of my life, the story will start something like this:

It was a really dark, hard and sad year. I experienced pain I thought I would never know first-hand, faced challenges I couldn't have anticipated, and struggled through this journey we call surviving (not life, because I was not living, I was surviving). And, I don't want to be over-dramatic. Like I mentioned above, there were some beautiful and amazing parts-- Joshua is a miracle and joy every single moment of every day! Every.Single.Day. And I have amazing, incredible friends and people who have loved me no matter what. And I had food to eat (even if it was just PB&J every day for a while), and a roof over my head (even if it didn't always feel like a home), and I had hope.

And you know the cliches-- "this too shall pass", "behind every gray cloud there's a silver lining", "fake it 'til you mean it", etc?? Well, they are mostly right. And how about this one: If the fire doesn't burn you, it will refine you. You will come out more shiny and pure than you were before you got into the heat. Of course it hurts like hell! It's fire, hello!! But, the end result is worth it.

So here I am, the big 3-0 and wondering, what have I learned? How will I be better?? What will I do that Joshua will be proud of?? Am I leaving people and places better off then they were before we crossed paths?? Because those are the goals.

Here's to hoping it won't be another year before I write on here, again. But, in case it is a year, just know, fire refines, you are so SOO Loved, and, "this too shall pass".